Men visualize themselves as the strong stoic type who doesn’t give in to others. The man on an island, who sees a storm coming and is staying strong.

That’s the dream that we sell ourselves.

The reality?

Many men are people pleasers. They do things they don’t want, to make someone else happy. They’re scared of conflict and will outwardly agree with someone’s opinion, even if you don’t actually agree. They offer hints to things instead of saying what we want.

This is all people pleasing without realizing it.

Answer this question. When someone asks you for something, what is your initial response?

For most men, it’s a yes.

You say yes before even thinking about it because you want to help others. You think you’re being a good person, but in reality you’re losing your true sense of self.

Then you are only doing things for others and don’t have time for yourself.

Like the guy who has helped his buddy move for the third weekend in a row, canceling his own plans again.

Do you want to live someone else’s life or do you want to live your life?

Today we’ll break down why this happens.

You’re wired to be providers for the family. You want to take care of your wife and kids and be the one that everyone looks to for leadership.

But here’s where it gets twisted. This provider instinct bleeds into everything relationship. You start treating everyone like they’re your responsibility.

As part of this, that means you’re looking to help everyone else. There is a feeling that you need to be endlessly capable and available to others.

When you’re spending your time trying to save everyone else, when are you trying to improve your life?

Since you’re always looking to help others, you aren’t taking care of yourself.

You realize that you have no life of your own and your life is lived through other people.

Men will view someone disagreeing with them as their own personal failure as opposed to normal part of relationships.

A buddy questions you and all of a sudden you shut down because they won’t people please you.

This is especially true in relationships. Your partner questions you and all of a sudden you’re having a meltdown.

The disagreements will always happen, how you respond to them will determine the relationship.

Your partner will always try to point things out. It’s not about looking weak vs strong, but about being secure enough to hear disagreement without threatening your identity.

Appreciate the feedback, because if she stops giving it, that means she doesn’t care. The feedback shows she’s still invested in you.

Men think they’re doing another person a favor by not being direct with them. Trying to take off the burden and soften the communication. When this happens it leads to the messaging getting missed and not saying what we truly think.

You need to be direct with your feelings and needs. You can’t sit around and hope the person reads your mind or picks-up what we’re talking about.

You need to understand what you want and ask for it.

The good news is, if you’re realizing that you are a people pleaser, the hardest part is to recognize the pattern. Once you see it, you can start making different choices, even small ones.

Things like pausing before saying yes, noticing when you’re anticipating someone’s needs before they’ve even asked or practice stating preferences without over-explaining.

Next time a friend asks you to help them move, grab drinks, or do something, think about if that’s actually what you want to do. Is that best for you, or are you trying to make the other person happy.

Maybe you say no, or maybe you say yes, but because you genuinely want to help, not because you’re afraid of disappointing them.

This will start to change how you act and you can lose the people pleaser part of yourself.

This is how you can become your best self.